Do You Have Social Anxiety?
by Camden Baucke, MS, LLP
Do you have social anxiety? If you commonly find yourself asking this question, you’ve come to the right place. Since you’re here, you probably have an idea that you do have social anxiety, but you want to be sure. I want to help you determine that, so let me give you an example. I want you to see how much you relate to the story of Alex. Alex is not a real person, but his story represents an accumulation of experiences of social anxiety. I’ll go ahead and tell you about Alex, just keep note of what sounds familiar and we’ll talk about it after. Let’s meet social anxiety Alex.
MEET SOCIAL ANXIETY ALEX
Alex has been suffering from social anxiety for years now. He suspected that something was “wrong” with him, but he never found it important enough to go to therapy. He is an accountant, and he is single, and he constantly thinks and worries about ending up alone. This thought haunts him and distracts him, as he already feels alone. These worries may have developed over years, but Alex feels them as soon as his morning begins.
Alex wakes up each morning not feeling fully rested, and he often dreams of sleeping much longer. On weekends, he may either sleep for only a few hours or half the day. On workdays , Alex dreads going into his job. He doesn’t necessarily hate what he does, he just finds himself apprehensive about the people he will see, meet, and talk to, especially Sally his supervisor.
The drive to his office only amplifies his nervousness. He notices it getting worse as he gets closer and closer to his dreaded job. Alex arrives and walks into the building, feeling his stomach tense and burn the closer he gets to his office. His heart starts to pound, his shoulders lurch up towards his ears, and the tips of his fingers tingle like they are lit sparklers. The closer Alex steps towards his office for the day, the more nauseous he feels, and it barely feels like he’s living at all. Alex finally arrives at his office, sets his bag down, and then turns to a voice in the doorway. It’s Sally, his supervisor.
Sally says, “good morning, Alex, do you have those reports ready for today?” Alex feels a lump building in his throat. He wonders why he is acting this way. Alex actually made the reports, but he is unsure of what to say in response to Sally. He searches for the perfect words in his head, thinking about the horrible consequences of saying the wrong thing! Bob is taking too long to respond. Sally notices and turns her head, making a questioning face. Bob’s heart sinks, knowing that she now probably thinks he is stupid or weird . She doesn’t understand him, and now probably judges him for obviously feeling anxious or jittery. Alex’s heart pounds stronger, his rapid thinking shifts quicker. Alex stutters “yep..I..I got them all, ready to go!” Sally maintains her questioning expression, and remarks “okay then, see you later” as she leaves out his office door into the lobby. While Alex feels a sudden relief in her absence, his mind continues racing and reminding him of every detail of that tragic interaction.
Poring over every aspect, Alex ruminates on what he said, what Sally said, what he looked like, what Sally’s expression meant, what she probably thought of him. Alex sits idle at his desk, thinking about all these details and how now it’s going to be forever awkward between them because he just can’t do anything right. These thoughts cycle and swirl on repeat for hours, and Alex tries to escape them by opening up a tab on his laptop or reading some emails. However, like a cowboy roping in cattle, Alex is ripped back into his thoughts only a couple minutes later. Alex is now feeling truly detached from where he is.
He gets lost in a fog of thoughts, where the details of his office desk, walls, and décor seem to disappear. Time after time, Alex gets to work, and only minutes later, he pulls out his phone and scrolls Instagram or watches a YouTube video. Unfortunately, Sally notices his distraction through the glass windows, and she walks in again. Sally asks him if he is “alright” and says he seems “in his head” today. After rummaging his brain for a false but simple response of “I’m fine” Sally leaves him alone. Although the day has only begun, Alex is already fatigued and all he wants is to go home.
His last hour of work finally ends, and Alex quickly juts out the door. He walks to his car, opens the door, sits down, closes the door, and breathes a sigh of relief that his day is over. His drive home feels like he is in a daydream, still feeling, thinking, and even replaying the scene with Sally over and over again. Alex criticizes what he said, what he didn’t say, what he should’ve said or should have done. As he parks his car, exhausted and eager to enter his apartment, Alex feels his phone buzzing.
He receives text messages from his friends, asking him to join their plans tonight or this weekend. In asking what they were doing, Alex’s friends told him they would be going to a local restaurant tonight and a concert. Feeling paralyzed by his choices, and how he might make the “wrong” decision again, Alex fabricates a reason why he will be unable to attend both events. He says that he needs to complete reports for his job, and that his inability to hang out with them is out of his control. Although Alex knows his answer, he decides to wait until later to figure out how he will say it. Even the thought of being around so many people he’s never met makes him feel so uncomfortable. Alex finally breaks through his analysis paralysis and walks into his home to finally get some peace and quiet.
It's the end of the day, and Alex heads to bed. He jumps under his cozy bed sheets, but he watches videos or reads a book on his phone for hours. He feels himself becoming more and more tired, but he just can’t put the phone down. If he does, he starts to think about today and tomorrow. Today was awful, embarrassing, and tomorrow is just going to be another risky chance of humiliating himself in front of his boss, who now probably thinks he is an idiot. All these thoughts swirl in his head, keeping him awake longer and longer. After a long day of anticipation, rumination, and exhaustion, Alex is ready to get a good night’s rest, but he is terrified of the night’s end. Alex expects the morning to bring the same events, same poor decisions, and another day to survive until he’s back under the same covers.
DEBRIEF - A DIAGNOSIS OF SOCIAL ANXIETY
How do you relate to Alex’s stories? If you experience something like Alex, there’s a chance you have social anxiety. Even if the anxiety does not feel that significant, there may be chance you’ve just learned to live with it. Social anxiety can develop and get worse over a long period of time until it starts impacting your work life, social life, or even your intimate relationships. More often than not, this anxiety is also accompanied by feelings of hopelessness. If Alex goes through enough days, like the one described above, he will more than likely feel stuck and become depressed in addition to being socially anxious. If it be you are experiencing similar symptoms, you’re not alone. 7.1 % of American adults experience social anxiety disorder (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/social-anxiety-disorder) which means MILLIONS of adults in the United States experience this as well. It’s not just some quirk or character trait, social anxiety is a clinical diagnosis.
